Episode 48: Colleen DeRyckere - Running for Ryno

Episodes

Mar 22

Listener note: This episode includes discussion of infant loss and a traumatic pregnancy and birth.

After losing her son Ryan just days after he was born, Colleen DeRyckere found her way back to him through running, all the way to her first marathon.

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About this episode

Colleen DeRyckere grew up in Zionsville, started running to get in shape for her wedding, and still drives a car with a 12.8 sticker after collapsing just short of the Indy Mini finish in 2018. In September 2019 her son Ryan, who the family calls Rhino, was born by emergency C-section after his umbilical cord detached, and he died at Riley Children's Hospital a few days later. About four weeks after, she laced up again, and running became the place where she feels connected to him.

We talk about Ryan's story, pregnancy after loss, how friends can show up for someone who is grieving, and the signs that remind Colleen and her husband Matt that Ryan is still with them. Then we get into her first marathon at Monumental in 2023, run to raise money for Ryan's memorial fund at Riley, and the Rhino for Riley shirts, rides and toy drives that keep his impact growing.

In this episode, we discuss

Growing up playing soccer and lacrosse and starting to run before her wedding
Running her first Indy Mini in 2016
Collapsing at mile 12.9 of the 2018 Indy Mini and the 12.8 sticker on her car
Why seeing Ainsley's Angels teams on the course is so moving
High blood pressure, preeclampsia monitoring and being induced at 38 weeks
Ryan's emergency birth and his care in the Riley NICU in September 2019
How running four weeks later became her safe space to grieve and connect with Ryan
Seeing a therapist and getting through two more pregnancies with maternal fetal medicine
Advice for showing up for friends after infant loss
Blue jays, rhinos and a Luke Combs song as signs from Ryan
Running the 2020 virtual Indy Mini around Zionsville in Rhino shirts
Deciding to run the 2023 Monumental Marathon for Ryan and fundraising through Riley
Training with a Google plan, Orangetheory and her kids' applesauce pouches for fuel
Making friends with a stranger at mile 8 and seeing family in Rhino shirts all over the course
Rhino for Riley shirts, Rhinos Ride for Riley and a toy drive that donated more than 1,000 toys

Chapters

Intro
Running to get in shape for the wedding
The Indy Mini and the 12.8 sticker
Pushing for Ainsley's Angels and why we run
Pregnancy and preeclampsia watch
Ryan's birth and his days at Riley
Grief, running and finding peace
Pregnancy after loss and therapy
How people can show up after a loss
Signs from Ryan
The virtual Mini in 2020
Training for Monumental for Ryan
Race day at Monumental
Fueling, chafing and gear
Rhino for Riley and giving back
Running for Rhino and what's next

Where to find Colleen

Rhino for Riley shirts on Bonfire
Ryan DeRyckere Memorial Fund at Riley Children's Foundation

Mentioned in this episode

Races: Indianapolis Mini-Marathon, CNO Indianapolis Monumental Marathon, Carmel Marathon, Sam Costa Half Marathon, Holiday Park trail run, Drumstick Dash, Chicago Marathon, New York City Marathon, London Marathon, Berlin Marathon
Organizations and charities: Riley Children's Hospital, Riley Children's Foundation, Women for Riley, Ainsley's Angels, Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation, Carmel Fire Department, Holiday Park Foundation, Indy Runners, Southern Sky Photography
Other: Luke Combs, Dippin' Dots, Under Armour, Orangetheory Fitness, Garmin, Shokz headphones, Oura ring, Trolls Band Together, Mott's fruit snacks

Previous guests mentioned

Related episodes

Frequently asked

What happened to Colleen DeRyckere's son Ryan?

Colleen DeRyckere's son Ryan was born by emergency C-section in September 2019 after his umbilical cord detached from the placenta, and he died a few days later at Riley Children's Hospital in Indianapolis.

Why does Colleen DeRyckere have a 12.8 sticker on her car?

Colleen DeRyckere has a 12.8 sticker because she collapsed from the heat at mile 12.9 of the 2018 Indy Mini, just short of the finish, and a coworker of her husband's made it for her.

What is Rhino for Riley?

Rhino for Riley is the fundraising effort Colleen DeRyckere and her husband Matt started in memory of their son Ryan, nicknamed Rhino, selling shirts and hosting rides and toy drives to support Riley Children's Hospital.

Support this show

Transcript

This transcript was generated automatically, so it may contain errors.

Welcome to Finish Lines and Milestones with Ali Brettnacher. Incredible stories and tales of triumphs with everyday people achieving their goals and fitness. This podcast brought to you by Athlete Bouquets. Celebrate finish lines and milestones of the people that you love by visiting athletebouquets.com. Hi and welcome to episode 48. This is Ali and we're getting close to 50 episodes, people. I've almost been doing this for a year, which is weird and crazy to think about. For the 50th episode, my friend Alyssa, who I interviewed as my first guest on episode 2, will be coming back and interviewing me. So that's in a couple weeks. I'm sure we'll talk about the race that I did last weekend, which is the trail run out at Holiday Park, which is in the Indianapolis area.

It's the second time I think I've run on trails and I can see why people like it. It was a five mile run. They also had a three mile hike option as well as a kids run the evening before. And I got to see a ton of people. So my friend Ashley Schwab came with me and ran with me. I got to see Gordon Strain who was on this podcast, Trina Roudebush, who was on this podcast, Mary Pittman's husband. She's average athlete. They sponsored the race. Ben from the Holiday Park Foundation team I got to meet and then Lara Overton who works for the Colts here in town.

I am a huge fan of hers and got her to agree to be on the podcast later this year, so stay tuned for that. But it's always nice to see her. And yeah, it was a great race, perfect weather, so much fun. Ashley and I actually won our age groove despite being hungover, so consider that a huge win. A great way to start the day in the fresh cold air and out in nature. It was it was wonderful. So tomorrow I'm actually running with a listener of this podcast, Becky Riley. We've never, well, we have met in person once, briefly before the Indy half last year, but we never run together.

So I'm super excited to do a shake out run with her because I finally signed up for the Sam Costa Half Marathon, which is a marathon here in Indy in the Carmel area that's put on by Indy runners and it's been going on forever. But I've never run it. I actually always thought it was in Southern Indiana. I don't know why. So I finally signed up for that. Becky's running as well. So it's perfect. We're going to shake out tomorrow. And then I just found out too that my previous roommate, Sue Scott is going to be. She's going to be cheering. She is on the course, her house is on the course.

I'm so happy that I'll be able to look forward to seeing a familiar face out there while I'm running and I don't really know what I'm planning to do. Originally my coach Rachel and I talked about it being a progression run. So you know, a challenging workout, but gearing up for Carmel Marathon which is on April 13th, that half marathon to be my goal half. However, I'm going to be pseudo working that event after and so actually ran into Rachel in person today when I was having coffee with Vince Auten, another member of our running community here in town and told her I need to maybe adjust what we're doing.

So we'll see. Stay tuned. I suppose the next time you hear from me, I'll tell you what I did. Hopefully it'll be a good race. It's a little chilly, little breezy. You never really know what you're going to get here in Indy. And I waited to sign up for the weather. And now the weather is pretty cold. But I would rather it be cold than be, like wet or, you know, also be hot. So, you know, I'll just embrace it. So this week's episode is incredible. I got to meet Colleen de Riker through a mutual connection that we have Lindsay Martin, who is Southern Sky Photography.

She's actually helping me and my business, Athlete Bouquets, right now, so I can't wait for you to see some of her work. But she introduced me to Colleen as a guest for this podcast and we had a really great time getting to know each other. I really am inspired by Colleen's story and I know you will be too. I was an asshole and didn't have Kleenex in the room when we recorded this. So again, Colleen, my apologies for that. But I will warn you guys, if you're not out on a run and you're close to some Kleenex, you might want to have them available to you.

I will also warn you that we do talk about infant loss and traumatic pregnancies and birth. So if that's something that does not interest you, probably not the episode for you. So we talk about how Colleen got into running in the 1st place, which was actually for her wedding, which is I think many of us kind of do that, especially women. We talk about why she has a 12.8 sticker on her car instead of a 13.1. That's an interesting story. We talk all about her son Ryan and the loss that her and her husband experienced. That was very unexpected. And then how she transitioned afterwards to use running as a way to connect with Ryan and as a result ended up running the full monumental.

Last year here in Indy, we talked all about that. We talked about a little bit of the insurance and outs of fueling and how she likes to run with music but not headphones, which I gave her a hard time for. And then we talk about what's next for her and how best to support Riley Children's Hospital and Colleen and her family. So you there will be links in the show notes for that, but I know that you will really enjoy this conversation with Colleen. All right, We're recording. Hello. Hello. Hello. Nice to meet you, Colleen. Thanks so much for coming here and doing this. I'm excited.

Colleen de Riker I'm so glad I pronounced it right on the 1st. Track I am shocked we get a little bit of everything. Let me see what we might D What else? What do people say? We get like, de rikery de riker, yeah, But like, once you hear it, it makes sense. Yeah, well, same with Brettnacher. It's like Brett Natcher. It's like, well, yeah, that's kind of what it looks like, especially for American English. But yeah, de Rikery. That's funny. Oh gosh well, we met through Lindsay Martin who shout out to Southern Sky Photo. She is leveling up my game when it comes to photography and I don't want to get too far ahead, but that picture she took of you at Monumental was awesome.

She's phenomenal. Not only was I so grateful that she was there just to support me and cheer me on, but she nailed the pictures that she took of me. So it's an absolute talent and I'm so grateful for that talent, selfishly. Yeah, how nice to have a photographer friend, especially when you're running, because race photos for me are kind of hit or miss. There's been some that I actually do like. I'm like, oh, I look like I'm running. I don't look like I have 800 chins. This is great. And then there's somewhere they're just we don't. All of mine are missed. Every single one. And if I'm running something with my husband, he always looks like this.

Just like, I don't know, Gazelle that's running, you know, the race. And I'm over there. Like, it doesn't even look like I'm lifting my feet up. Exactly. I get so happy when there's a photo of me from a race where my there's air under both my feet and usually it's like an inch of air too. It's not even like, but I'm like, look, I'm off the ground. Especially if I try and play and like a fun picture like and then those just turn out bad too. Right. And you're like, OK, well and I don't understand how all almost all race photographers like squat down on the ground because you're like, that is not my best angle man like get stand up and but I guess I don't know.

Anyway, clearly I'm not a professional photographer, but. Did we just discover a new career path for Lindsay though? Right. Yeah. Like Lindsay, you're you're good at it. The pictures are nice, and I'm sure people listening to this will see the amazing one that she took of you at Monumentals. So yeah. So thank you Lindsay, for introducing me and Colleen, appreciate it so much. I'm really excited to get to know you better. And I know we're going to talk a lot about your son Ryan. But before we get into all that, you were a runner before you became a mom. So I want to talk about how you got into running in the 1st place.

And then you've got to tell me that crazy mini marathon story you alluded to, because I can't fathom that so. Yeah, so I grew up an athlete, played soccer up through my freshman year of high school, had dabbled in like basketball, softball, like every sport. Like most kids do, really stuck with soccer. I played travel. Soccer was never great at it and I think, honestly, I don't know if I had asthma or just pretended to have asthma in middle school. But like, it was just one of those things where it's like, OK, I'm going to do this because I enjoy it, but like, I'm not great at it.

So then I discovered lacrosse in high school and that was like, really? Where I think I fell into like something a, a sport that I was really good at but running never, never. Something I was. I don't, I don't want to say like a heavier set child, but I just wasn't a physically fit child compared to some of my other like friends or peers. So but I always loved the game of sport was passionate about competing. All of that Fast forward worked out a little bit in college. I went to IU so spent time, you know at the SRSC, the rec center always kind of like did it as a way to even out the other choices that I was.

Making that was the same for me exactly. We have to have some value I. Like how you put that? Yeah, instead of being like to like run off the beer, you're like just to even out the other. Choices, yeah. Very, very well said. Yeah, And then. So my husband and I met in college. We moved to Chicago after we graduated and he started working for Dippin Dots, which yeah, oh boy, it was awesome. We had just a deep freezer full of Dippin Dots. My kids would be like, over the moon. Excited. It was phenomenal. But we gained a lot of weight, yeah. What's your flavour of Dippin Dots?

Banana split for sure, Really. OK. Yeah. Wow, that's wild. Are they based in Chicago? They're based in Paducah, KY Paducah. But he his territory was like Illinois, Wisconsin, Missouri. So he he could have lived wherever at that point. So, but we gained a lot of weight and we got engaged and we're like Wolf, we need to probably need to like work on this little bit. And he had a passion for becoming a firefighter. So he really started investing and getting into shape, being physically fit, preparing for the test that he would have to go through because he was starting to apply back here in Indianapolis to be a firefighter with a number of different towns or.

So are you both from here, this area originally OK? I'm from Zionsville and he's from Westfield. OK, Yep. So we came, our families, we had both lived in other states. Came back to Indiana when we were in elementary school. Yeah. So we're both from here. Families are here. So we knew eventually, like once we got married, we would want to come back to Indiana. And it just made sense at the time when he was pursuing this new, you know, career, ambition or passion for him to search here in the Indianapolis area. So at first, I really like, I don't want to say hated him for getting so fit and being so.

Focused. I get that. But I was like, OK, I need to start doing something and making better decisions. So what I knew was just like, go out and try and go for a run. And we had a gym membership. So I was like, OK, I'll spend some time on the treadmill. And then when we got engaged, I was like maybe I'll sign up for the mini marathon. And it was just one of those things where it's like, OK, like I'm doing it a little bit more. I have a couple more miles, like let's try and work towards something. But ultimately, just to look good for my wedding was really how how that started.

How funny is that? Like looking back for me too. I did the same exact thing. Like, I ran. I did like pure Barre. My PRS at the time were like the, I mean, all because of my wedding. I was like, getting in such good shape. And then you look back and you're like, I mean, yeah, the pictures are fine, you know, nice. But you're like, that was so funny that that was the reason. It was, yeah. Yeah. And I and it was very motivating too. Yeah. But I and I remember like the days when I would be like, I'm going to go out for a one mile run.

I'll see you later, you know. But it was like it was starting somewhere. And like that mile felt so good And like I remember like my first mile time being under 10 minutes and like those little accomplishments. I think that's where I really started getting like a little bit of the hunger. Like I'm starting to feel like I'm accomplishing something, something rewarding. So we did the mini. I probably left and said I'm never doing this again. Like my knees hurt, my hips hurt, I can't walk, but I had caught the bug like I'd done 5 KS. I'd signed up for all that, but like that first half experience, especially the mini marathon, like blew everything else out of the water and.

What year was that? That. You ran 20/16/16 OK, Yep. And I had, I had done a lot of five KS up into that point. But this, like the Drumstick dash, like all that, it kind of just became a thing. So we did that and then I learned about the Myler series. So I did the Myler series the next year. But we were, wait, no, 2017, we got married, so we were on our honeymoon. So then 2018 I think is when I signed up for the Myler series, 'cause that's like OK, like I've I've been running, I'm in really good shape. Let's see like how fast I can do this.

So I did the Myler series and we took a trip to Europe in 2018, April 2018, two week trip and. Was that for your one year wedding anniversary? It just happened to fall over a one year. OK, because we did that. We did that too, actually. Yeah. And we were really good. We like worked out. I mean you're walking a lot. We weren't drinking a lot and we did some runs together, but that was like 2 weeks before the mini and 2018. So I came back and I was like, I'm going to crush this. I'm going to get a sub two. Like I'm so fast right now.

This is the strongest I've ever been and it was hot that year and I was like just like not prepared for it. And I don't think my body had really adjusted back and I made it to right in front of the IPY Soccer Stadium. So what mile 12 point? Nine, Yeah, that's getting really close. 12.9 and I just went down. That's crazy. And Matt was tracking, my husband was tracking me, my sister-in-law was tracking me on Find My iPhone and they were like waiting for me. And I texted me like I don't feel good. I'm not feeling great, like not feeling great. And I just like, I happen to be right in front of a first aid station and I see one of the National Guard step out and just like put his arms out.

And I just felt he must have seen that I was about to like. Yeah, there's like a certain look I think, that people get. Yeah, yeah. Well, I for sure had that look 'cause he was. Ready. He was ready. That's great. Thank you, Sir. Yeah. So I went down at that point and. Caught you so you didn't, like, fall on your face. That's nice. Yeah, 'cause I pictured you just like, yeah, I don't know. Yeah, no, I. And then he got me over to the side. And my sister-in-law was like, she's close, she's close, and they're telling me this afterwards. And then we're like, her dad hasn't moved in a while.

And that's when my husband looked at his phone and saw a text message where I said like, I went down. Oh gosh, you got a text out because you just were like I was. Just laying on the ground, you know, I like couldn't get up. So they came and found me and I was like, I was like I am going to finish this race and they're all like you you you shouldn't like. And I was like, I'm going to do it. And so I was walking, throwing up on the side of the road, like kept trying. And then I passed out again. And that's when we we call it quits at that point.

But yeah, that was. And then it all became redemption after that point. Like it was the monumental half. It was another minute, you know. It's just like it just became like, this is not going to define me, even though I actually drive a car that has a 12.8 sticker on the back. Of it. Yeah, it's 12.8, I forget 12.8. Or did your husband or somebody. Make that for you, one of his Co workers. That was really funny. I mean, you know, now. Yeah, and it's. Still fun. I mean, because you're like, what can you do? Your body, you can't control the weather. That sucks heat.

My body does not do heat, and a lot of people's bodies don't do heat. So yeah, I mean, that's probably why too. The medical people are, like, looking like Hawks. They know it's hot. It's right at the end. Do you know where you were you close to two hours or up to that point? Had you just like kind of been like, OK, it's hot. I'm not going to do it, but I'm going to keep pushing. I was really close. I think up until mile 10 I was on pace and then it just kind of like, I think around mile 10 is when I like, started to have to walk a little bit.

If I had kept drowning, I probably would have gotten it, and I have yet to redeem myself for that sub. I know it's coming. It is. That's my goal this year. Yeah, for for Carmel or later this year? Carmel's like my test run. OK, we'll see. Like what fitness is feeling like if the weather's good, hopefully. That's what I like. You never know with the Mini, and I do the Mini like almost every year, but you just don't know what you're going. To get well, it's almost like I think about the races that we have here in Indiana, especially central IN where we're from and a lot of them can like there's not a single one where I can be like, yes, every year.

It's like consistent. And I feel like part of that's just the nature of being in the Midwest. I don't know that I've ever done the monumental when it was hot. So I feel like the monumental is usually at least, you know, it's going to be cooler. But late October, like in the Chicago Marathon, this last year, it was very hot or no, it was perfect. What year? It must have been the year before or somewhere was hot. New York, maybe, I don't know. But you know, you just kind of don't know what you're going to get. But when the weather's good, it's it makes a huge huge.

Difference And with the Mini I always feel like I start cold and then it just heats up so fast. Well, especially when you're on the track, the Motor Speedway like it's 2 1/2 miles black top and if it's hot and sunny it's just like you're like in a frying pan basically. Yeah, I and like, I'm not. I'm honestly not a big race person I've been to. Oh, me either. Actually I'm a horrible. Citizen Yeah, I've been once. I've lived in Indiana almost my entire life, and I've been to the. I've only been twice. Once it rained out is when my dad took us when we were kids and it rained out.

We got to see like a few laps, which actually, as a kid, kind of perfect. Yeah, 'cause there's a lot of laps. And as a parent bringing again, kind of. Perfect. Yeah. So you're like, like, OK, we saw it. Cool. Check that. And then I actually worked for the city for a time, for like, an organization that promoted economic development in the city of Indianapolis. So I actually got to go see it like in a suite and like, do kind of more of a VIPI. Remember I saw Kim Kardashian like 10 feet away. I was just kind of like, oh, cool. I'm like, really doing the race.

Yeah. And then that's it. So it's kind of like, how do you top that experience? I'm just not a a fan. Feel so bad about that. Yeah. Yeah. So I did. I did the infield and I was. Like, Oh yeah, so I'm. This is terrible. I'm never doing this again, but if I was in a suite with. With like air conditioning. Yeah. And you're just like. I would be the biggest race fan, yeah, I would. I would be the drivers, yeah. Yeah, right. Oh, anyway, yeah. But it it is cool to experience that and I think recently Runners World named the Indie Mini as like a one of 15 races to like make sure that you do because of that, basically because it's the track, because it's an interesting aspect of that race.

Otherwise you're kind of running through a little bit, some seedier parts of downtown and like the rest of it's not super great. Yeah, I was even sending. I've been so I work for Under Armour. They're based in Baltimore. I've been trying to convince my boss to come here and do a half marathon. I was like, I will come do one with you out East and you come here and the minnie's a great one. Has your boss ever been here? No. See. Yeah. Because he or she she she would be like Oh yeah, like even. I mean monumental is wonderful. Obviously I'm biased being on our.

The board I love the monumental. But I I love the monumental. Minnie's also great. Minnie's just, like, huge. It's an experience. Yeah, yeah. Hard race to go fast, yeah. Yeah, and when you're running at that like slight incline around the track, like that's because everyone will ask me if they if they haven't done it before, they're like, isn't that it? Like that has to be the coolest part. I'm like, it's honestly the worst. Yeah, it's really cool for like, yeah, 5 seconds it's. Really cool to run in and then you like know exactly where you are on that loop and you're like, I still have it's like 2 miles and yeah.

It you think because if you've watched the race, like those cars go around, they're so fast and so running around, it takes forever. It feels like, yeah, but yeah. And then you cross halfway while you're in the track, yeah, yeah, but it's it's cool. But you have to do it. Yeah. I think if you're if you're a local runner and it's like, not, yeah. And like your first one, my husband's cousin, like, it started to run a little bit. And I was like, that's the one. Like, you should do it. Like it just it has to be in your book. And like, even at times where I'm like, I hate the many like I it's the one that I do all the time.

Yeah, I've been talking about this a lot recently because I signed up to do the Mini and push for Ainsley's Angels this. Year. Oh, very cool. Which I'm really excited about. I've always seen the teams out there. Now that I've gotten more ingrained in the running community, I'm like, OK, I want to continue to give back, find ways to do some different things besides just like running all the races for myself. And so I'm really looking forward to that. You get to start the race. That's so cool. So that'll be fun. So I'm like, everybody can look for me because who knows how fast, you know, we'll be going.

But people who are, you know, tend to be passing those teams. Like, I remember I saw my friend Christy last year when she was doing it. She's kind of the one that got me to to do it. So I'm excited for. Yeah. And those are the people. Like as a runner when you're, when you're, when you are passing them, like that's what like sticks out to you because like they capture your attention. And then you're like, this is like why I'm out here, you know, like I'm, I'm out here to run this. But it's like there are such cool things that are happening around you.

And like the more that I've, I've run and I've like become a part of this running community, Like it's those stories that then like you start to get naturally curious, you know, And where you're like, that's really cool. And like that's where I get like that bolt of energy or like that adrenaline to push a little bit harder. And it's like that reminder of, like there are battles that are much harder than this run right now. And like, I can keep going and I can do this and I can crush this. Well said, Yeah. And a good segue like to the why and like getting to because you get to do this is one of my favorite mantras because it's like, yes, I, you know, I am here.

I can do physically do this. Like what a blessing. Yeah. So how how long after that crazy Mini? What was that, 20/18/20? 18. Did you get pregnant with your first child? Yeah, we got pregnant in January of 2019, and I think I had maybe done the monumental like late 2018 as like my redemption run to I had to of 'cause I wasn't pregnant. Yeah, so we got pregnant in January of 20-19 with our first child and I tried so hard to just stay active. Yeah, running changes, you know, It looks different, but like it was still built into my leg. I wanna be healthy. I wanna be fit and and go through that.

Too. Yeah. How long did you were you able to run in your pregnancy? I remember. Pretty run in quotations. I ran pretty far through probably till at least I maybe stopped around like 32 weeks. Oh, that's great. Yeah. But it was like very slow running. Right. Like, but you're doing it. Yeah. With it's obviously differs from every person, Every pregnancy of my first, I made it over halfway. I ran the mini. I can't remember how many weeks maybe 24. Yeah, but I had a like a. Belly. A belly, yeah. Which was kind of fun because people are like, holy shit. Yeah, like. Yeah. Wow, you're running.

Yeah. I'm like, yeah, well, yeah. But then I think I stopped after that. I was starting to have just, it was just painful. And so then I started doing other stuff. But anyway, well, that's pretty impressive. So was there any time during your pregnancy that you knew there was anything wrong or any risks to your pregnancy? At all. So yes and no. So I started, my blood pressure went up pretty early on and I started to get like really swollen. And so that made things like a little bit harder, a little bit more uncomfortable. But I was saying my blood pressure is being watched. Like everything other than that was fine until we got into our thirty well they start.

I think they had me start doing non stress tests around 32 weeks just to watch my blood pressure make sure the baby was OK What does? That entail. So they hook you, it's like when you're going into labor and they hook you up to the like, the machine to like track the heart rate, how it's responding. Would you do that at your like, weekly appointment at that point? Or just I had to go weekly so the non stress tests were twice a week. So I was going like Mondays and Thursdays just to make sure like the heart rate was responding as it should. The baby look like it was fine, everything was okay.

Just because they were being careful to see if I had preeclampsia and they were watching for that just because it it started to get pretty high towards the end. So at my 38 week appointment I went in and I my, my I wasn't really responding to the blood pressure medication anymore. You know, I was full term at that point. They did I think that week they did a biophysical which can be used instead of a non stress test, which is essentially just a more in depth like ultrasound. So they're tracking for certain markers to make sure like breathing rate looks fine, you know, practice breathing and all and all that's going on.

And where did you Where was this? At IU North and I had actually like when we got pregnant, just like on a whim switched doctors like OB practices and I was like, I'm just going to go to this one. Who's your? Who's your OB? Lynn Klass, OK And so I really saw her primarily through it. Well, so my first appointment, they're like, we're going to have you see a nurse practitioner. And I was like, OK, like, I've never done this before. You know, you come in at 8 weeks. And like the day before I was like, I recognize this person's name and I've been doing CrossFit.

I've done CrossFit. The year before, a friend had really introduced me to CrossFit. And I met a couple people through there. And I was like, I think I know this nurse practitioner through CrossFit. And it was just like happenstance. And she opens the door and we're like, Oh my gosh, you know. And so that was really. Yeah, it was really special to be able to like have that trust, you know, you're. Just like that. Comfort. Yeah, that's. Really. Nice first pregnancy. Like you just have a little bit more of like an established personal relationship. You you're flying blind like you don't know. You don't know.

Especially if, like your other friends haven't had babies and. Even if they have, I feel like you don't like ask these in depth questions with your friends until maybe until it's like right before. Yeah, yeah. So that was really cool and like became an even more like special experience as our story, you know, went on and so really saw her through a lot of it and then just ended up seeing doctor class for most of it. I think I maybe saw one or two other practitioners, but it just like fell that way. I hadn't like sought out that practice for class, but I feel like it all kind of transpired as it was supposed to.

So at my 38 week appointment, the nurse practitioner, Janelle McKee, I saw, I saw her and she was like, there's nothing that's like wrong. And she was like, but I'm going to send you over to be induced today. And we were like, I think I had a sinus infection. I was like, man, I feel like not good. And she was like, I don't want to alarm you because, like she's like really there's, I just think it's, it's time, you know, your blood pressure is getting high. Let's not, like restless anymore. So that was at like maybe like 10 or 11 in the morning on a Monday.

And so I was like, OK, like, here we go. My husband went home, like, packed the bag. I think he went and got a car wash, too. He's like, I can't bring a baby home in a dirty car. And you're like. My husband would do that, yeah. Like, what are you doing? I'm sitting here by myself, but. That's really cute. Yeah, actually. So like, he came back and all day it was just like waiting. We really hadn't even begun like this induction process. It was just kind of this waiting game of kind of letting everything like process and and whatnot. And that evening I got up to go to the bathroom and I realized I was bleeding a lot.

And so I sat back down and like that moment. You like, freak out. Yeah. And called the nurses line. They came in and they're like, oh, you know, some's normal. And then they hooked me up and that's when it just it turned. I'm probably going to cry here. As you, yeah. It turned really quick. So we were, we were pregnant with a little boy whose name was Ryan is Ryan. And they couldn't, couldn't find the heartbeat at that point. So you're like, time is moving so slow but so quickly. And I just remember them unplugging everything. And it was like a scene out of a movie just running me down the hallway in the bed, went into an emergency C-section.

I was knocked out for it. So it wasn't awake. So when I woke up, I remember asking, you know, I'm waking up and I'm saying, like, is he OK? And the answer I got was he's alive. And I was like, OK, like, what does that mean? So I got out into recovery, and that's when I started learning. He's going to be lifeline down to Riley. I was at IE N so he's going to be lifeline downtown in an ambulance. So then it was a matter of, like, calling our parents, like figuring out, like, where does my husband like my. We sent. Yeah, we sent him with Ryan.

We got a little bit of time with Ryan. They had him in the little, you know, incubator that he was going to be transported in. Yeah. So we got a little bit of time with him and they took him down. So it's like I had maybe 10 minutes with him and then was separated by miles. So that was late late Monday night, Tuesday I was at IU North. Luckily this was all pre COVID so there were no rules around visitors. I my husband's friend, best friends, their wives came and sat with me, my family was with me, my in laws were there so wasn't really alone.

And then Wednesday afternoon came Ryan. So I guess I need to take a step back, too. Ryan's umbilical cord had not attached properly to his placenta in the right place. So at some point when I was there being induced, it detached, and that's where the blood was coming from. So he had lost blood oxygen. We don't know for how long. And so that was why it just became he wasn't in good shape at that point. So they took him down. We're doing like the cooling practice on the cooling blanket and then it it really just kept spiraling from there. Tuesday we learned about a stomach bleed.

He was learning or losing a lot of blood through the stomach bleed. So I think it was Wednesday when they went in to just get a better look at his stomach to to figure out what was going on. And while he was in surgery we were working on getting me discharged so that I could go down and and be with them and like at that. That's still pretty quick, especially for an emergency C-section even be like considering being released. And I was still being monitored for postpartum proclaimse at that point because my blood pressure was still sky high. And so I in the midst of me, like going through the process of being released, they took him into the surgery.

My husband is a caramel firefighter now, so kind of full story left it And that's, you know, followed his fashion as a caramel firefighter. The fire department really showed up for us and rushed me down there. So they came and picked me up at the hospital, got me down there on Wednesday. I got wheeled into Riley and was immediately taken to like a a a private room. And I was like, this feels kind of weird and I'm like, OK, like your husband will be in here to meet with you. Ryan just got out of surgery and then the surgeon will come in and talk to you.

And they had told us before, like, if we can't figure out where this bleed is coming from, like it's it's not good. And they kept telling Matt, like, he's the sickest. He's the sickest baby we have in the Nicky right now. And it's you. You just go through like it's going to be fine, like everything's going to be fine, like. Riley or you're Riley? You're like, OK, if they are miracle workers, let's do this. Yeah. So it's like babies are in the Nick U all the time, You know, like this stuff happens and like, he's a healthy baby. You know, other than like this one just freak thing that seemed to happen.

And so they he came in and told us like, we can't figure out where the bleed's coming from. It's essentially just permeating his entire stomach. So like it's really up to him at that point. The Wednesday afternoon, like we just spent the entire afternoon with Ryan with the nursing was. He in pain? Did they have him on a bunch of medicine? Yeah, so the only time we Matt has a phenomenal, got a phenomenal picture of Ryan with his eyes open. It's really the only picture we have. I mean he was being pumped with everything so he was swollen. He would try and open his eyes, but, like, it just, it just wasn't like, I think looking back now, now that I've had healthy babies and seen them, like, I just know.

But like, in that moment I didn't, you know, I was still like, oh, you know, like this is, this is just what, you know, a baby looks like because, like, we, we don't have nieces and nephews. Yeah. Yeah. So we spent really, Wednesday as a family. The nursing staff became like mothers to math. Like while, while I was, like not there, like they took care of him. They made sure he ate. They made sure he slept. They made sure like he was OK and like, kind of took a little bit of time away. And it's like that experience when being removed as like a wife and a mom.

At the time, it was like looking back now, I'm like, he was so cared for in love outside. They weren't just, they weren't just Ryan's nurses. They were math nurses too, you know, they were taking care of him. But Wednesday night came around and I was like, OK, like we need to go lay down, we need to go sleep. They had set us up in kind of a private room just down the hall and. They stayed in that room before, yeah. Yeah. It's like a weird hotel room that's in a hospital. Yeah, it's like a bed in the chair. Know that that existed, but it makes sense now.

Yeah, yeah. And we had been talking about like, okay, like, we need to think about like, long term, like what is, what is this gonna look like? Like we weren't even thinking like at that point, that it was like minute by minute, hour by hour. It was like, OK, we're going to be here for a couple weeks. One of my best friends is a pediatrician at the time. I think she was in a residency or or fellow. I don't, I don't know the exact terms, but she was actually working or had worked under the neonatologist that was assigned to Ryan. So she came, sat with us for a little bit and she's like, let me just like kind of like dumb down some of what you're being told.

And I was like is he going to make it? And she was like, I don't know. And like that's like hearing that from her. I think this one like kind of hit. And so like that night we went to bed and the nurses were like, if something happens, we'll come knock on your door. It was maybe a couple hours later where we heard. We heard the first knock and we got up and they're like, it's not, it's not, it's not good. He's, he's dropped. We've, we've we got him back. So we went and this was middle of the night got a hold of our priest at the time who came and baptized him because they were like, I just, I don't know that he's going to make it through the night And like, you still have all this hope.

And so like we we spent a little bit of our time with him. I was like, I I have to go lay back down and Matt's like, OK, you go rest for a little bit. I'll come get you. And like, I felt like I fell asleep and just woke up and saw Matt standing in the door and he was like, we're we're losing it. So we went back in there. I could just picture it all so vividly. They were doing chest compressions and the resident is the one that came up and put his arms around us and was like, I think he's fought hard enough.

And you know, we, you don't, like, expect to make that like a decision of like, yeah, we need to just like, right. We'll stop. Yeah. Like stop biting. Like you just want to scream like keep going, keep going. And it's like you have built this nine months like with this baby and like the nurseries ready, the clothes are hung, you're matching this life and like how things are going to change once you bring that baby home. And like, you know, we've been like we're not going to be able to go out as much and like have the freedom. And then what you don't anticipate is walking in to deliver your baby and not walking out those doors with that baby.

So like in that moment, life just changed in ways that I, like, could never have expected like never fathom. The thought had never crossed my mind. Like even the night he was born, it just was like, he's going to be OK. It's just going to take a little bit of time. And we didn't know like what like maybe like disabilities he would have based on like the the loss of oxygen and things like that. But it was like, we'll figure it out, You know, like we're here. Like we're meant to be his parents. Like, you know, this is, it doesn't matter as long as he's OK, Like, it doesn't matter.

And so like, I remember, like, having to, like, call our parents that morning. And like, we at that point, like our parents had gotten to meet him. They had been there. And it's like, there's just decisions that you have to make in those moments where, like, you don't. It's like you're living in an alternate universe of, like, what do we do now? And I remember just being, like, so angry and going back to that room, 'cause we, we held him while he passed. And Matt and I were able to. It was like 3 in the morning. Our parents, like, weren't able to make it down there, you know, in time, 'cause this all happened, like, so fast.

And I just remember going back to that room, 'cause we're like, now we have to leave. Like, you know, like, right now we don't have a place here because we don't have a baby here. Yeah. And I, like, threw my stuff across the room, 'cause I was just like, this is like, like, what is happening? I was so angry. And I was like, OK, I can't, I can't leave feeling this anger inside of me with him still here. And so I, like, walked past his room, his, his body was like this little cot. And his nurse was just standing there with him, like talking to him.

And I was like, shit, like, you know, like he's gone and he's still so loved and cared for. So that's where it really became like life has become so much bigger than what it was before. And Matt and I like, I can still replay like every single moment in my head like it was yesterday. And we're, you know, four years out, 4 1/2 years out. This was September of 2019, September 12th and driving home in the car and being like we can't let him be forgotten and like we can't let this, I don't want to say hurt us, but like change us in a negative way.

What's very real? Apparent The statistics around people who lose children and stay married are crazy. To me and we learned like so much afterwards, like Indiana's one of the highest in infant mortality rate. So there were things as in the days that passed where we were like, OK, like, you know, obviously we're now thrown into going to a Funeral Home, picking out a casket, picking out a grave site, like picking out our own grave sites. And I'm, I was 29 years old, we were both 29. Matt was turning 33 days after Ryan passed. So it's like his whole dream had been to share a birthday like with his son.

And Ryan's middle name was Matthew. So it, you know, they shared that And so then it's like how do we celebrate, you know 30th birthday and like you know it's just it was a wild it's been a wild ride since, but navigating just all of that. And I remember Janelle, the nurse practitioner came over within a day or two of us getting help from the hospital And and I was sitting there talking to her. I was like I worked so hard to be so healthy and I was like and it just like here I am and I don't, I don't see a reason in it anymore.

And it was really like her in that moment, sitting with me that was like you wouldn't have been downtown if you didn't invest in your health and your physical well-being as much as you did when you were pregnant. And she's like because, like, going through that type of emergency C-section, she's like, you shouldn't have been as mobile as you were. And like, she's like, you should have been in a whole lot more. And I was. And she's like, there's just something about, like, the strength that you had built that is the reason that you were able to get down there and be there with it.

And so that really like it. It drove me from there. I think it was like 4 weeks after he was born where I was like. I need to get out like I need to I I just felt this like urging desire to run and I texted her and I was like, can I do this? And she was like, well, you know you're supposed to wait six weeks. She's like, but do it. Just try take it easy. Try start with walk, run intervals and like that's where it took off and it became those runs. Or though that time outside became like where the the few places and like that deep, deep grief where I became like centered and connecting with him.

It's like where I found that like safe, peaceful space amidst the chaos and like the overwhelming grief and the anger and like everything that you go to when you go through, when you experience that type of significant loss. So that's really like how it started. And I was like, this is, this is like where I'm where I meant to be and this is where I meant to connect with him. Oh, man. Yeah. Well, thank you for. I know it's. I know it's not easy to walk through that so I don't want to take away from you know, Ryan and and your story. But I do relate to you in that I, for my first pregnancy had severe preeclampsia and help syndrome and I was at IE N that's why I asked you like who is your OB?

I I delivered early 36 1/2 weeks. So my first she was just barely premature. We spent a week in the NICU. That's how I know about that room that we got to stay in. And I, yeah, I remember I, it's weird how you can, like, I have the worst memory ever. And I can still remember, like these very vivid moments throughout that that trauma. And yeah, thinking about how hard it was on my husband who was like, alone trying to figure out what the hell to do. And I remember asking my OB if I was going to live. And she said you're in the right place.

And I was like, well, that wasn't a yes. So that's not good. But yeah, so, you know, thankfully made it through. Got to bring her home after a week. But you know, even with that, it puts a lot in you, never, you don't think, especially being. Yeah. Healthy women like active women. You go into that process thinking people do this all the time every day. Like I'm just going to go have a boring baby, you know, like whatever. So it and it. And the more I talk to women about their experiences giving birth, the more you realize like there is so much trauma there that is not talked about a lot for me personally.

And I'm sure for you it's it's it is hard. Like, I'm sure my blood pressure is high. If somebody were to right now just just be like going in that building, I go in that building and my blood pressure's high. Oh yeah, absolutely. And it's like I I look back now and we have a phenomenal healthcare system here and it's we we have like we're so lucky to have this. But I've learned so much and like I think what I try and tell people now is it's like don't like hesitate to advocate for yourself because it's like I didn't know anything about preeclampsia before like help syndrome.

I only knew it because of someone I followed on Instagram. So it's like like the I think, I hate to say, like we're afraid to be mindful of like everything that could go wrong and like maybe I just feel like jealous of women who can go who can be naive to it all you know and. Then have it all go. Swimmingly, yeah. And it's like Ryan's umbilical cord attaching where it did to the placenta. And it it was, it's a .01% chance it's. And and if you had known about that, yeah, that is not something that would have been on your radar. And can you please check to make sure this is correct?

Like, yeah. Well, like now that I, now that we do know like so when we got pregnant with our second Juliet, like we saw maternal fetal medicine through it all. And then when we had Caroline, our our daughter is now 18 months. They asked me they're like, do you want to see maternal fetal medicine again? And I was like, of course. What is that? I don't know what that is. So that's like the elevated care outside of just your normal obese. So it's it's highly specialized. Ryan's umbilical cord attachment could have been detected. If we had it just happened to be like there was no reason for us to see maternal fetal medicine at that point.

But the the ultrasounds that they can do there are more high tech than your general OB office. So they would have been able to detect like the blood flow into the placenta and if if it would have been caught. And I hate like living on the IFS there was like AI forget the exact number but it was like a 7580% survival rate 'cause they wouldn't have let me go past 3637 weeks and it would have been AC section to get them out. Well, and then you're like, well, why the hell doesn't every OB office have the technology to always be looking for anything like that?

And maybe that's maybe we'll get there someday. But, I mean, those are the things. Yeah. You're like, if. Well, yeah, you can't you can't think like that. But did you have So I know for myself with our second daughter, who's now almost three, I had. I didn't realize it at the time, but my husband and a nurse that we were seeing pointed it out. I had anxiety. Like, I didn't realize that's what it was and I didn't. I thought, I'm fine, I'm going to be fine, but this isn't going to happen again, right? Like they said, yeah, it's a really low risk, you know? But I I didn't.

I was very anxious and didn't really realize the toll that it took on me. Like, how did that impact you for your other pregnancies? Yeah. So I it took me. I think that was another like level of as we, as we worked through losing Ryan, like how do we like move forward. And I ended up Janelle actually referred me to a phenomenal therapist and I started seeing her 'cause I started really feeling the anxious I I've always been an anxious person. But really started feeling it too, at the thought of going back to work 'cause I I got 8 weeks off for the for the.

C-section, Were you with Under Armour at the time? I was not. I worked downtown for Simon Property Growth, so I was going to have to go back in office once again. This was still like pre COVID. And it's like I just had this flood of like I've been there pregnant. I've sat in like my office pregnant, you know, like everything I could think about was Ryan related. And it's like, and now I'm coming back and people are going to ask me about it. And you know, I was like, I probably should talk to someone to figure out like. How to How do I do like, oh, how's your baby?

You're going to be like, great. Yeah. How do I? How do you answer it? You don't know. And I mean, that's a whole other conversation. Like, how do you. Yeah, like, talk about it? So I started seeing a really great therapist and she really helped me work through a lot of those anxieties and then helped me through like, how do I figure out like how do I survive this pregnancy, what this second pregnancy, And not immediately think that the same thing is going to happen. But like honestly, I feel like I I remember getting that that positive test and just being like this isn't real, you know, like it's almost like I just shut down for probably until like 2628 weeks until I was finally like, OK, like maybe this is going to be.

Maybe I can prepare. OK yeah. And like having having conversations with with family members at the time where because like I didn't want to share ultrasound pictures. Like, I didn't want to, I didn't want to share her because I was scared that, like, it would be taken from me again. And saying like, I I'm so appreciative of everyone else's excitement for us. And like I I was excited about the possibility, but I was like, but I came home to the closet full close that I had to pack up. And like, I can't feel excited until she's home. She's safe. Yeah. And it's like, you know, when I thought that would be gone, then when we did it again with Caroline.

But it's just like you also become hyper aware of 'cause you could like there's such a great community of parents who have had babies, you know in the NICU or have experienced loss of some sorts, but then you also become hyper aware of every single thing that could go wrong. Yeah, right now you. Yeah. Yeah, that's really hard. Yeah, and we were. We were also like lucky in the sense that my husband, his, my in laws lost a baby when my husband, he was their third child. So like when we were going through this with Ryan, I was like there's no way that this can happen again to this family.

Like the second time. Like there's no way, you know, that just doesn't happen. But like it just felt like there was like that space where it's like we had understanding of from like our, you know, from both sides of our families. But like especially his in the sense that like they had experienced it. They like, they knew and like his sister had always been like a part of like conversations. And like they have always done a phenomenal job of having our pictures. And so like that really helped me navigate like, OK, like he can still be present. Like he's still a part of our life, you know, like and and helping to figure out like, where do we go?

What were some of the things you remember and how people showed up for you? And like, what would you if somebody has somebody they know going through something like this? Like what advice would you give them on how to best show up? Yeah, we were not alone for weeks and that was like in the moment. I I, I think we came home from the hospital and I was like, I just want to be alone. And I think we both took a nap and woke up and we're like, yeah, we can't do this. We need people here. So for weeks at a time, we just weren't alone.

We didn't even like, we didn't sleep in our own bed for weeks. We slept on the couch because we just like couldn't, you know, like couldn't, couldn't fight through that. So it was like the people who just showed up at our door didn't even need to like bring anything, but just like left space for us to just like sit there and like let us talk and like, let us just authentically be ourselves and not get uncomfortable if we are crying. Who asked us questions. So I feel like what I've learned is it's like, don't shy away from grief is uncomfortable, like loss is uncomfortable. But like, ask people, because we really craved the space to be able to talk about him, especially as we navigated like, what do we want to his impact to be like in this world?

Even though his time was short, like, that doesn't mean that his impact has to be, you know, just has to stop there. So we really like the community that showed up to, like, provide us that space was great. But also like, understanding, like, there were days where I was like, don't talk to me, don't talk about him, don't you know? Or it's like you might get hot and cold with me. And, like, that was OK too. And like, I think it was harder when, like, you have those close friends who just didn't know how to show up or how to ask or those major milestones that went by.

And it's like you just you kind of feel like they're forgotten because life goes on with everyone. And like, and that's OK And that's how it should be. But it's like you're still left in the space of like, but this is, this isn't fun. Like, we we left on Christmas Day and went to New York. And it was like, I just had to get away. I couldn't pretend like, you know, I had to pretend like the holidays weren't happening. And I just needed people to be OK with, like, walking through that with me. Yeah. Yeah, I had a friend, Katie, who lost her nine month old boy and they still don't to this day don't know what happened.

They chalked it up to like SIDS. But at nine months he was a big baby. He was you know seemingly normal. And I remember after that I was I just started athlete Bouquets maybe like I was just I was in a space where I could be there. I couldn't help just talk to her or I was like what can I do? Can I bring you lunch today Can I show up in some way And and this is where I I want to cover the topic of science because she would have these moments where like literally at the funeral when they were burying him they butterflies were are like a big and like a butterfly came and like landed on her husband's like hand like crazy stuff like that.

And the the number of stories she's told me about the signs she receives from God and like about her faith like we're Catholic are just really really cool. Yeah. So how? How does Ryan show up for you? Yeah, I remember driving. We were in the back of the funeral car driving to his funeral and there was it. It I I don't know that I, like, sought things out, but there are moments where I was like, that's him and there was a plane flying in the field next to us like solo. And I like, I remember like hitting Matt being like that's Ryan like, and I don't know why, but it was like, there's like little moments like that.

But we really started to see Blue Jays everywhere. And so it was like when I'd be running and I'd see like a Blue Jay cross my path, I'd be like, OK, like, that's him. Luke Combs. We're big country music fans released even though I'm leaving that was released the week that Ryan was born. It may have actually been on Ryan's birthday. I don't remember exactly. And that song would come on the radio at like crazy times where it's like we'd be like, I don't know, having a conversation on something. And that's the song that would come on. So, like, we always felt like that was a song that was a sign like that.

He's still here. We his name's Ryan. We have called him Rhino. So like any like rhinos have also been like any symbol of a rhino. And they started, we started becoming like hyper aware of everything that was like rhino related around us, you know. So maybe we were seeing it out at that point or even like out on a run. If I see a baby deer like, cross my path, it's like, it would just like hate you on that moment of being, like, that's him. Like, just feeling. I mean, I think it's a you get this feeling, Yeah. Yeah. And then just like other little things in this, I always think this is crazy.

And I hesitate to tell people the story. My mom decided to see like a medium, you know, and this was after this had been a while. So that was maybe like May of 2020. And she was like, I just have to tell you, I did this and I had found out the day before. I think that I was pregnant and had told no one with our daughter. And she was like, I saw this medium and she said that, you know, you're pregnant with a little girl and that every time that that baby is or that little girl is swinging on his swing set, Ryan will be swinging with her.

And I was like, OK, crazy, but like I. Just got this one song. Yeah. And so there are Times Now, and we we pray to Ryan like Ryan's in our prayers every night. We have pictures of Ryan like Julia and Caroline. Well Caroline can't talk but Julia knows baby Ryan. Like knows that baby Ryan's her brother and you don't ask questions. Now she's 3 she's she doesn't understand it but she like knows that baby Ryan is is something to her and we have been outside a couple of times where like she'll be swinging. We we moved in December of 2020 bought a house that had a swing set and she'll be she was swinging.

This was like maybe two weeks ago. And we're walking up to the swing set and she goes, that's baby Ryan. And I was like, what? Like what? And it's like she'll say these things and then the moment will pass and it's like she never said it. And it's like almost freaky how quickly it just like snaps, like it's it just goes through her and then it's gone because I'll try and be like, what'd you just say? Like what'd you just ask? And then she's like, what? And it's like what? It's wild. And then we're when we were buying houses, we were there's one we were looking at and there were like 4 Blue Jays that were flying through the art.

And I was like, this is it. And then, of course, we didn't. Our offer wasn't accepted on it. I was like, OK, maybe this wasn't it, but. It's fine. We tried. Yeah, maybe he's signaling like, no, this is not not come. Here. Yeah. But it's really become things like that that have like, I don't know. And like, there are times where I'll be, like very in tune, like with my thoughts and like be looking a little bit more. But it's the ones that, like, when I'm not expecting it, that catch me off guard the most. Yeah. Because it's like, mom, I'm here, you know? Like, yeah, I'm still around.

Yeah. And then like seeing, so we we have our Rhino shirts that we sell and seeing people like out in the community. My husband was at Chipotle the other day and someone walked in on a Rhino shirt and he was like, his coworkers are like, do you know that guy who's like, no, I don't. Well, like went up to him and it was our, his brother's Co worker. And so it's like, it's fun things like that. That's really cool. Yeah, he's just like, reminding us that he's still around. Yeah, wow. That's really special. Yeah. And I definitely want to make sure that we tell people like all about, like, how to get those in support.

But I want to talk again about the running journey that you started after. So yeah, being able to go and just kind of start to be on your own, take in like probably just like the sun and like the fresh air when. OK, so that was September. When did you, like sign up for your first race after? Yeah, after going through that. So I did the well. So September 2019, we signed up for the Mini for May of 2020. Oh right. Yeah 'cause I was like, right? 2020, yeah. I was like, I just like I I had to work towards something. You know, after having AC section, we knew we wanted to be parents, but like we, you know, you had to wait, you know, to get pregnant longer than you know you would ideally want to, you know, after that.

So it's just like, we just kept, like putting like milestones are things to focus on ahead of us. And that was the mini marathon and I convinced Matt to do it with me. Matt's a cyclist. He's not a runner. I just somehow I'm always able to like, guilt him in a little bit to do the mini with me. It usually falls over my birthday weekend too. So I'm like, it's my birthday. Like, this is just all I want. And he's like, I hate you. So like, I'm not a runner. But then of course he goes out and crushes it. So he signed up for the mini and then like, the world shut down.

That went virtual And I was like, OK, this is the year I'm going to get my sub two and I was like, I'm super fit. And then I think at Maya late, I would just sat down and started crying like we did it around Zionzel. We were once again on track and I was just like, I'm done, I can't do it. No. And like we were wearing our Rhino shirts at that point, so. What day, what day did you do it? The day the Mini would have happened? Yeah. I that's crazy. I was running around. I made my own horse around Zionsville. The day the Mini would have happened, I ran into one other woman who was running around.

I can't remember why. I think maybe she was wearing a mini shirt. No, she wouldn't have been that long Sleeves. I don't know. When I was wearing the bib, I was like. Are you running the mini? I like printed out. I made a bib. I like, you know, went all in on this like virtual race. I had a map. I told my friend like I made a route so I could run by my friends houses and they could like come out. It was still where like I wasn't letting my parents hug my my kid at the time. So yeah. Anyway, well, that's so funny that you ran.

I'm sure we like passed each other, like if you're on the rail trail at all, that's where we did like. So actually, I did not make it to the rail trail. Yeah, I went close to there. I went like, up Starkey Super Dangerous around there. But yeah. Did I go on the trail? No. And then I came back and, like, went back, 'cause there were a couple spots where there's like, no sidewalk. But I was just kind of like, yeah. Yeah, we, I always like, look back and laugh. And my husband still to this day, like I grew up in Zionsville. We live in Zionsville now.

And I'll just be like routing through random neighborhoods. And he's like, where are we going? And like, how do you know, how do you just know this out of your head? I was like because I lived here, like, I don't have to think about it, but like put me in caramel and like, I have no idea where I am. Like, I couldn't just route myself through the neighborhoods. So yes, we did the mini in 2020 and I cried and once again didn't get my subdue. It's. Like, that was hot day. Yeah. Yeah. I started too late. And I was like, why did I do this on the I wanted to do on the day it was supposed to be because, you know, you can't control the weather.

The nice thing about a virtual race is we could have. Controlled the weather. Yeah, we could have, yeah, we could have changed it, but it was like, no, but like that was part of it. Like we knew everyone else was out. And I do remember like seeing people like out and feeling like this is like, this is cool. Like wasn't doing it alone. And then it was like 2 weeks later we found out we were pregnant. So I was like OK, well I'm I'm still going to try and run, but I didn't do any races like after that. Then it was then it just started like becoming the thing that I like.

Connected myself back to after like each child and like what I really focused on at that point. And so then, so you have. So what year did you do your first marathon? That was this past year. Yep. So Caroline was born in September of 20. What year is it? 2020. She's 2022. OK, No, I have to do that with my Yeah, another kid. I'm like, what year was that? Yeah. So she was September 2022. My sister-in-law was getting married in April and we were at. I had always said, like, I would never run a marathon. Like I, you know, like I just like can't imagine like how like I just, no, it's just like it's not for me.

I have no interest. And then I was DD home from our sister in Laws wedding and I was driving. My husbands cousin and his wife live in our neighborhood and I was driving them home and she's like I did a Sprint triathlon with her like we we've always kind of like I don't know, like tagging like on running and like talking about it and like connecting in that way and she's like we should sign up what's her? Name. Aaron. Sikorsky OK, Just making sure. Yeah 'cause you never know. And yeah, so she was like, oh, our, our cousin Tiffany, like, is also, she's doing the Chicago this year.

And Tiffany had also gotten into running, but she's up north in Indiana and she's like, maybe we could like do that with her. And so I was like, OK, you know, I was like, wait, you're you're the drunk one right now and I'm sober. How am I getting talking? To and you're you're pregnant. Yeah. Well, no, not at this point. No, I just had Caroline text earlier. Just had him. Yeah, well, you're six months postpartum. Yeah. Yeah. So this was April of 2023 and and so then I started like looking into it after the next couple of days and I was like, do you, are you serious about this?

And she was like, no, I don't think I am. She was like, I don't think I can do it. She was like starting her own business at the time. And she was just like, I don't, I don't think I can do it. Yeah. And so then we went on vacation the first week of May, and I had started like actually running a little bit more. And I was like, I think I can do this. Like, I should just do this and I should do this for Ryan. Like, I'm going to do this. And I, if I do it for Ryan, like, I can't quit. So I signed up on vacation and I was like, I'm in.

Here we go, Yeah. And we have a Memorial Fund, the Ryan Director Memorial Fund, set up through Ryan Riley Children's Hospital. So I got in touch with them and I was like, hey, I signed up like, how to like, what can I do to help fundraise? Like, I wanna make this about Ryan, make this about Riley. So they really helped me set up a specific fundraising page that, like, went through his fund where I could update everyone on my training and really kind of, like, tell the story through there too. Really. Cool. Yeah. So that that was like a fun way to like report out because like, I don't know, our older relatives aren't on like Instagram and they're not on Facebook.

So it's like one way where like people could donate and then like follow along with me actually like blogging about the training. Yeah, that's really neat. Yeah. And how did you go about training like dude? I laugh because I probably should have had like. A plan? Yeah. Yeah, maybe. But it was like a matter of Google. I feel like that's how. I mean, you listen to some of the people on this podcast, it's like, well, yeah, first I just Googled marathon training plan and then I just did what it said. And I I wear Garmin watch so like we have like the Garmin training app and like I don't know that I love like the coaching aspect on that.

I don't know that I've just like found the right kind of like training plan or whatever using my Garmin. But googled I like built out an excel spreadsheet. I'm like OK these are the miles I need to get. But then it kind of involved into like OK, I can run probably like two or three days during the week, just like shorter mileage and then doing my long runs on Saturdays, Sundays, on the weekends. So really just targeted those longer runs and then built in I do Orangetheory, I'm like on the lowest plan 4 * a month built in Orangetheory too. And just other like cross training we have, we have our treadmill, we have you know, dumbbells, kettle bells, all that at home.

Which which orange theory did you go to? The West Carmel, Zionsville. Yeah, yeah. Do you know Stacy Hoffinger? I don't. I like. I don't talk. To anyone, it's bad. She probably doesn't either. Yeah, I have AI did talk 1 friend into. Do you know Mariah Bear? Yeah, Yeah. So I talked her into going. So she has now joined and we go at 6:15 and then Matt's Co worker, he usually goes at 5:00 AM like this morning I got up and went at 5:00 AM. Yeah, nice one, but that was rough. Yeah, 5:00 AM. I used to do that back what, Before kids. Actually, yeah. And that's what it's like.

Well, you have, you know, now with my job where I don't have like, I really don't have like meetings. So it's like I can do it whenever I want. So there's not the need. I could too, So why don't, yeah? What the hell, Colleen? Getting up this early, but like some if if I don't do it early in the morning then I just won't work out. At all. That's fine. Like, I'll talk. See, I'll, I'll, I'll just do. I'll do it. I'll get it done at some point when I want to. But you know, yeah. So that's why I'm OK with it. But I understand the need to just get up, get it done that way.

There's nothing else that gets in the way of. Yeah. So I just like, I I winged it. I really winged and then obviously the monumental sends out like the training plan. So then I kind of like made sure that like what they were recommending at least for the the long runs matched what my plan was. I conned a friend into doing it as well. So like, we did some of our long training runs together. It's for, I mean it's for Ryan. She's like well. Yeah, yeah, she's really become my like, half marathon buddy. And then I was like, we're only young ones, you know, like it's just going to get harder the older that we get.

And so she was like, OK, fine. Oh, so we did some of our long runs together and she ended up getting injured. So we didn't get to actually run race the the marathon date together because she had a better friend that actually stayed with her. And I was like, I'm going like, I'm out. Yeah, but I had gone into it being like, I so my fastest half marathon was like a 2O3 and one that I finished was a 2O3. And so I went into it being like, I would love to be able to do, like, I didn't set, like I was like 10:50 in a while, you know, like, let's be realistic.

This is going to be hard. And then the further I got along, I was like, no, I think I can do this a little bit faster, you know? Until then it became like when she got injured, I was like my mind's already set. I'm sorry, I just got to go. I got to do this. And I think she probably. Wanted to Yeah, I. Mean. Yeah. Yeah, So it was like, it's hands down the coolest thing I've ever done. And like, running the actual marathon was so much easier than training. Yeah, it's wild. Yeah, it can. Well, depending on your race, that day we had the most incredible weather of all time.

Overcast like perfect temperatures. And then it was sunny at the. End Yeah, but not like too. Sunny, but not too sunny like it was just it was really nice. I decided to run the full for the first time. Not my first full marathon, but my first monumental marathon the year before when it was an absolute shit show. And it was so. Windy. It was raining. I yeah, like almost storming. It was cold. It was like the windiest ever. It actually didn't impact my race as much as I thought it would. But it was still like a lot of people were like, oh, the worst. And then the next year we get like, we got, I think, both men and women course records broken.

Yeah, a lot of people called for the Olympic trials. It was like I had got a PR in the half that day. It was like, perfect. So I'm so glad that's the weather. You. Got. Yeah. Can I like thank Ryan for that? That you know. Thank you, Ryan. Yeah. Now we're just gonna need you to do it every year. Please, I have not signed up for anything where like it's been bad weather, like we're thinking like rain storms and it's either, yeah. Sign up for all the races I do. I'm like, oh shoot, is there wood in here? Can I knock on wood? There, I you know, we talk about that every once in a while.

There's a knock on wood. And that door, we say, is like, kind of wood. Yeah, but it looks fake. Yeah. But, you know, whatever. Yeah, I remember like my friend that did the marathon with me this year, she did the half for Monumental the year before. And I remember texting her being like, I wouldn't go tomorrow, just like, and she's like, yeah, not the motivation that I need right now. I mean, but I'm giving you the space to quit if you want to quit. Yeah, but you like, don't have to go. It's like, yeah, yeah, actually. Yeah, but it was like, it was so cool.

Like I said, all through training, I'll never do this again. I'll never do this again. And then afterwards I was like, no, I'll for sure do this again. Yeah, it's funny how running does that to you. You're. Like why? Why? Because. Because you can't. So yeah, it's a weird thing where especially in, yeah, you feel horrible. You're like, I'm never going to race again. This is it. I'm done. The feelings I get when I'm racing, a lot of times, not every, you know, during good races I should say are like, this is like what I love. I just get this. I truly get this high from being around the community running, especially when it's like I'm able to execute on what I'm planning to do and my body's allowing me to do it.

It's just it's so awesome. It is. It was so cool and like singing. Like I knew we had what I would have some family members out. Everyone, like really showed up. And I think I'd mentioned this to you before, like everyone that showed up. And I had asked him like, you know, make sure you wear your Rhino shirts or like have that there. And it was like people would just like pop up and like the exact moments at the exact times that I would need them. And it was like Ryan was sprinkled throughout the course. So it's like every time I saw someone, it would be like that adrenaline to like get to the next spot or like who am I going to see next?

And it was like he just like I I think that's what has been like truly special about. There's nothing positive about losing a child but there's so much like joy and light that you find in positivity in the community and like in the people. And then just in life in terms of how that's just like brought into you know, everyday like our community is not letting him be forgotten. Like not just us pushing it like but they are there and like he is with them and they are bringing him along for their ride and their journey and is really like ingrained you know, in their life too.

Which, like, we really felt as I was, I was running and seeing, like, just him throughout the course. And I I think it was like, mile. I was maybe at like mile 8. And there was this woman that had been running around me and she had the, like, my first marathon tag on which I refused to wear myself, 'cause I was like, I don't, this is like, AI don't know, like bumper sticker, like baby in the car, you know, watch out. I was like, I don't need that, like, tag on me. But I was I it made me want to make conversation with her, 'cause I was like, OK, we've really been running, like next to each other majority of this time.

And so I was like, oh, this is your first time. Like mine too, blah blah, blah. And we ended up running the whole the rest of the way together and like pacing each other. And she was like, you have a lot of people out here. Like, this is really like your crowds, like really showing up for you. And I was like, I know, like, isn't that so cool? So then we started talking about Ryan and like, then it became more of a thing too. And she wasn't from here. And so this. Yeah. Yeah. So it was like really fun to like make that connection cause like I'm not the type of person I I talk for my job.

I like talk to people all day long. But it's like, I'm not the type of person to go out and be like let's be friends while we run. And that's exactly what I did. So like. That is funny. I don't necessarily. It's funny. I don't necessarily seek that out either. But I have made friends during a race. It's weird how that works. Yeah, Like, I don't know what happens. And you're just like, oh. Yeah, let's just chat. Let's just. Chat. Usually I'm like, I'm doing my thing, I've got my music, I am good to go by myself. Yeah, I was also probably the irritating person who I hate running with headphones and what you.

Did not listen to your music. I did. I did. I hate. I hate it. I know my. Best friend does it. So I you know, I but I yeah. No, in my I will say the reason I do it is because I've like freaked myself out about getting kidnapped. Like out. I want to be like so aware of my surroundings because I run when it's dark out. Yeah. So like, I want to be able to hear if there's a dog coming after me and like things like that. So like, that's why I do it. And so then when race day comes, I'm like, I can't just now put headphones in.

Yeah, I use shocks. I need to try those. Because you can hear ambient sound now, you don't crank. If you crank them all the way up, it's still it would still be hard to hear, but if there's like a dog barking, you can only 100% hear that. But yeah, you should give those a try. So. You're like, please don't run next to God. Well, because then the people I I swear this guy, what was it? It was during the monumental, Was it? I don't know. So many races. And it's like, yeah, there's a guy I'm like, I can't drop him. I'm like, get the hell away from me.

I don't want to listen to this. What kind of music was he? I felt like I had good tunes. Going I forget, I forget, but I was just kind of like this. This is not what I want. Please don't force it on me, but you can't control the on course entertainment either to be fair. But that usually is pretty, you know you run by and it's gone. Whereas, like, if you're running the same pace as someone and you're like stuck listening to it, yeah. It's OK. It's OK. I had a nice mix. It's fine. It was like, I feel like you would probably like the same stuff.

I'm not a huge country person ever. Last year, my friend is up in Detroit and she's like, hey, I have tickets to the Luke Combs concert. I was like, who's that? And I was like, OK, sure, I'll drive to Detroit for a night to go to concert with you. And I like, listen to Luke Combs the entire way on the drive. And now I'm a Luke Combs Country fan. Oh yeah, so good. There we go. But I would say, like a lot of my running music too, is like the throwback, like early 2000s. Hip hop, Give me the hip hop army is that? What you're talking about, Yeah.

Well, yeah, with like a little bit of *NSYNC Backstreet Boys on there. Yeah, yeah, that's fine. I did have someone compliment there. She's like, this is the best music I've heard. And I was like, oh, thanks you. You can hang out by me because it'll still be playing. In the next 20 miles, enjoy. We have three more hours of this. You're welcome. Yeah. Oh yeah, marathons. So are you. You're signed up for Carmel. I am, Yep. So I the Mini is what I signed up for to be my like redemption sub two race. And then I was like, why have I never like run Carmel?

Like, I don't know if it's just always like fallen on weekends where I can't do it. So like, with Matt being a firefighter, like, it really things that I can do are dependent on his like, shift schedule too. 'cause I don't want to ask like, my parents are my in laws to be over at my house at 5:30 in the morning so I can go run. So like this year I was like, OK, he gets off shift the night or that morning. And I was like, can you just leave 30 minutes early and so that I can like get there. So I was like, I'm just going to do it.

It's going to be like my test run And then I was like, and if I achieve it then, then I have less pressure the day, the minute, Yeah. So we'll. See, I feel like Carmel would be a better place for you to to get a subject. I've heard it's hilly. No, OK. There's like a couple like I it's not like the flat is a pancake, but it's well, it'll be the biggest they've had in terms of number of people this year, so it'll be interesting to see. But in years past, it's not crowded like, and the hills that they're that exist are like a little bit of a rolling hill.

There's one I can picture that's like going up to a roundabout, but they're like, they're not super long. They're not like Geist where like they're pretty steep and short. Yeah. So, but it just depends. It all kind of is weather dependent. I feel like the Mini's hard because there's just a lot. There's so many more people. Yeah, and you're dodging, you're spending a lot of energy like dodging and but if you've been training, I have no doubt in my mind if you have done a 203, it is so possible. Yeah, Was it your podcast where either you said or someone said like lie about your time?

That was my best friend. OK, yeah. And then I do that. Literally that day I went in and I changed mine. Alyssa, yeah. I was like, oh, that's brilliant. Well, yeah. On the most recent episode, too, Nate was talking about how, like, we were complaining about people that start walking. It's like slow runners, you know, at least you're running. But like some people will lie just because they want to. They want then they're walking. They're planning to walk the whole time. And I feel like that's like really pushing it and now being on the board for monumental, like there's reasons they do that to help with like the efficiency of whatever, but they don't police it so.

You're fine. The the year that I passed out at the Mini, I had qualified well. Now I would never be able to qualify to be in wave one. But at the time I had qualified to be in wave one and I was like, I'm starting with like the best of the best. I mean the back of the best of the best, you know. But I was like, I can do this because I'm not going to have to dodge it and then then it all. Went and then, yeah, thanks. Weather. Yeah. Oh my gosh. OK. So I'll see you at Carmel. That's exciting. So I actually signed up for the the Sam Costa, which is this Saturday.

Yeah. And I was waiting and waiting to, like, wait till the weather looked good and then the weather looked good and now it looks cold and windy. And I was like, cool, but whatever, Yeah, it'll be fun. I and I when I was out running the other day and I was like, OK, this wind like isn't great. And I was like, if the wind messes up myself day, you know, I was like. Well, hopefully, like at least with the the, you know eat caramel and Minnie, where you're going, there's going to be wind and not wind. You know, at least for yeah, for monumental the wind was like at your back for the first half which is just kind of sucks, 'cause then it's in your face when you're like trying to go finish.

Yeah. Oh man. And do you fuel when you run too? By the way, I. Do well. So I didn't until I started my marathon training. Like, I think every time I ran the mini, like, maybe I'd throw in some, like, fruit snacks or like gummy bears or something in my pocket. But never, like, had a strategy. And I think that's what I learned a lot when training for the marathon. There's a lot on Google, man. Yeah. And it yeah. And like I just like figured out like OK, I do feel different if I'm doing this. I'm like what helps me I'm I like I have the goose.

I will do. I think I did like 2 goose. But it's like fruit snacks and my kids applesauce pouches. Yeah, those are good. Jam. They're just, like, clunky. Dude, I love the mots. Fruit snacks. Yeah, Yeah, That's what. Yep. So good. Yeah. The. Applesauce I don't do as well. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I have used it though. I just like, needed like variety. Yeah, like and then I'd be well. And the the day of the monumental marathon, my husband was biking around to different spots to see me. So I'd text him, I'd be like, have that sauce ready, you know, And so he could hand it to me, so give it that sauce so I didn't have to carry it myself.

Because I also hate running with things like on me. Like, I can't run with a water bottle. I can't like the Fanny pack. Like, I just can't do it. So I would either, like, shove my pockets or put it in like a little. I have like a little waistband, but it's like I had to be, like, really strategic about how I carried it, yeah. Yeah, I like now. Like sports, bras at least have like a. Yeah. I need it. Yeah, there's a few actually. I should send you a real That previous guest, Tracy Hunter, who's Indiana runner girl on Instagram. She just bought a bunch of them and tried a bunch.

And I have like 5 of this one bra by Brooks and it's awesome. But now the ones she posted look better and not as expensive. And I'm like, damn it, yeah, but I love the bra that I have. Yeah. So yeah, there's just a lot out there now. I have fallen in love and I was looking back at pictures last night with my husband and I was like, how did I run the mini marathon in the bra? Not bra. I was like, that's the worst sports bar I've ever owned. I've fallen in love with Under Armours and it's. Like, I guess, yeah. They're great, but like, they don't have the pocket, you know?

So, like, I just yeah, I needed. To get, they'll get there, 'cause I feel like every brand now has one with the pocket. Yeah, I'm going to be messaging their like product line manager when I get home like. Here's Can you make me Can you make this? Because I need to use my employee discount to buy this. Because why would I buy other brand stuff? You're forcing me to shop at our competitors. Yeah, yeah. And that was like the whole other challenge that I hadn't, like, put much thought into ahead of like, training in the marathon. It's like, what am I going to wear? And like, going through the testing of, like, what is working for me, what's not?

Like what pants are working? Wasn't, you know, like what do I wear to get the least amount of chafing to? That's going to you just wear a layer of Vaseline over your entire body before. You put, yeah, yeah. And it's like. Sometimes that doesn't even work. I think it was my fourteen mile run. I wore a pair of leggings and like they must have just like rubbed and pilled so much and I was like, I am in legitimate pain. So like this isn't this. That was like my plan for what I was going to wear. And then I was like, I can't do this. I can't.

I got to think of something else. I have, for whatever reason, sports bras, like, always get me like right where you would wear a heart rate monitor right under your chest. And it like, I have scarring there now, 'cause I just have chafed so much there I can't wear a heart rate monitor. I used to when I worked out and now I have my aura ring, which is like a business tracker or whatever. And then I wore a camelback with a sports bra and it is like an old ass camelback that's like super old and like pretty clunky. And it, like rubbed my back raw so much that I was trying to, like, wear it on my front.

For part of it, I couldn't really do that either. Anyway, so. My husband refuses to believe. I told him, 'cause I was also looking at your most recent episode of like the nipple chafing too, when he ran and I was like yours, blood. And he's like, no, they didn't. I was like, yes, they did. Yeah, yeah, 'cause I'm sure you know, being a man, he complained about it forever. And he was probably in just like a normal T-shirt too, You know, like, yeah. I remember like I have memories. My dad is part of the reason I got into running. And he we would go to his friend's house the morning of the Mini and I would run with him and like his friends and they would all be like taping their nipples.

And I it was like scarred for life. Just thinking like, what are you guys doing? I don't know weird. Yeah. And then you're like, Oh yeah, makes sense. But yeah, looking at old photos of when I used to run, like I started running in 2007 and yeah, I'd wear like cotton T-shirts and like weird shoes. I yeah saw that little Nas X ran the Brooklyn or the not Brooklyn the just the New York half in like these Nike Air like just high top Oh my gosh you're like OK. Well, that was like the running the marathon. And like, I know there's like different types of like running shoes, but like there's a gentleman running next to me at one point and I was like, you're in sandals.

Like how? People are weird like. I don't. I just. I yeah. Or there's someone who I will see on the moon on who is running barefoot. And I'm like also how like? Yeah, yeah. I don't know. It's it's amazing to me, but like, hey, whatever works. Whatever works. OK. So caramel and the mini and then this fall, are you signed up for anything? I'll probably do the monumental again. I just. I love it so much. I wish. I wish I would have known about your first marathon before it happened because oh man, I would have been like, well, we're going to figure out how to do something special.

Like, yeah, yeah. I'd like now I'm at the point where it's like it. I'm like, do I do. Well, I also went through the like, do I just put my name in the hat for the New York and see like you know the 2% or whatever chance it is of getting pulled. And now I'm like, do I just do this for like a ton of things to see Because we have a, my husband has a family member who has been pulled in the lottery for a lot of the, you know, international ones. And I was like, how cool would that be? Cool. And then, yeah.

But then my husband, like, but then you have to go out and train for four hours at a time. Again, I was like, yeah, I know, but like, we'll figure it out. I don't work my my brother-in-law, who I'll actually go. I'll see him over Easter weekend. He's getting ready to do London. Yeah, and Berlin this year, because ironically, he got pulled for both lotteries the same year. And my sister-in-law is like, you've got to be freaking. Yeah, yeah. 'Cause, look, I have to do it because yeah. You got, yeah. You got home like, yeah. Oh man. And they have three kids, so it's just like.

Good luck with. I remember being on the flight back. We did like it was a vacation you could call the baby moon when we were pregnant with Ryan and we were on the flight back from California and got was it that trip? I don't remember. I think it was. And we got seated next to a guy who was flying back from, you know, one of them. And he had, like, had all of his race bands. And I was like, and that guy's a freak. And then I was like, now I'm like, oh, no, like, what he was doing, you know, It was really cool because we were, like talking to him about, like, how he's running, you know, all the, all the marathons.

And then I was like, I don't know how anyone could do that. But now it's like. Now here you are being like how can I get in the lottery for? These I know, yeah. Well, I actually ran New York City for Alex's lemonade stand. Yeah. Yeah, was that cool? It was so cool. And so my friend Ashley was doing it first and I was like, well, I'm. I'm going to do that because I wanted to be able to run the year she was running. Yeah. And it was also just happened to be for an incredible cause And so I feel like 2. You could go that route.

Yeah. For any of them because then you're doing it for. Yeah, really. For Ryan and. Yep, there's a woman I became connected to through a group called Women for Riley, which I joined Good. Segue too cuz I want to. Talk about Yeah, after after Ryan passed and then she relocated. I don't remember if they were in Zionsville but like and then somehow I saw her name pop up. I'm a part of this like local lost mom group called 1 Tip at a time. This is Scottie Michael Foundation and I saw her name pop up in the Facebook group and had no idea that she had experienced a loss of any sort and so had reached out to her and she is running the New York fundraising and it then we were able she was supposed to do the monumental ended up getting you know injured.

So it's like cool to see like some of those connections come about now too And like we did a training run together because her her neighborhood like runs in the morning so they will like hop on that. So it's been like, it's been fun to see, like, you know what it what is everyone else doing And like, how can I, you know, now look at these ways of of of doing that. My heart's just like in it to fundraise for Riley too. So like, that's where it becomes. Yeah, I understand that a little bit harder where it's like that's more like the place, right. And being able to help local community versus like more you know broader causes.

I I understand that. And so how can people best support you support Riley? Like go buy a Rhino sweatshirt. Like, how does. Yeah, so we the the Rhino sweatshirt or shirts, how they came about. So like when I when Ryan passed, like I was flooded with gifts. So many meaningful gifts, be it like jewelry. We got so many ornaments like pieces for our home. Your house just like filled with rhino. Kind of it. So I was like Oh my God, I'm like a crazy Rhino lady and like each of our girls room says like something Rhino related like in it too. But I at the time, I was like Matt doesn't have anything, you know, like he had a key chain, but it's like the man just like don't get as much.

And so I was like, I should like make him AT shirt, you know. And I made this the Rhino shirt. And then people started asking about it. I did it on a bonfire, like just like we called him Rhino. And so I wanted it to be really simple, like not something cheesy or that, like, screamed like our son died, you know? So, I mean, that was what it was, you know? Yeah. We didn't need, like, our IP on it. Yeah. And so I made it. And then people started asking and we're like, well, maybe we should try selling them. So I think we said like a goal of 50 and I think we've sold close to 400 shirts now, raised a couple $1000 for Riley and then Matt's cousin works here Kimberly-Clark and they will match he he donates those funds and then gets them matched.

So we're essentially doubling the impact. Where you at? Under Armour. I know, I know. We don't have a company match. Come on, What? Yeah, but we do have 40 hours of volunteer time off. So yeah, so the the Rhino shirts became like our first, like, big fundraiser. And so there's a link on bonfire, I think we call it Rhino for Riley, where, you know, people can go out and buy shirts and a certain percentage of that gets donated back to Ryan's fund. We've done other fundraisers. Like I said, my husband's a cyclist. So usually in the month of September we do Rhinos Ride for Riley and encourage people to get out and cycle and donate for every mile that they ride.

We've done like a board and brush fundraiser at the board and brush location. Is that like a painting thing OK? Cool. Yeah. And another like extended family member owns that location. So like she's been phenomenal about, you know, donating for that. So there's a couple things that we we really do and we're always looking at kind of like new ideas each year in terms of what we can do. But then we also host a pretty big toy drive in November, December this past year we were able to donate over 1000 toys to the Riley Cheer girl. So that's that's been really cool to see and that kind of just happened organically one year and it has just grown, grown since.

So we we even take everything out, we lay it out in front of the Christmas tree and the girls now, well, Juliet specifically will be like this is for the kids at the hospital, that's what. I was just going to say like how special that your girls get to see that that and be a part I need to do better as a mom is figuring out how I expose my kids to more like giving back like or things that happen. It's like really hard to talk to a 6 1/2 year old about death because she doesn't quite get it and she asks a lot of really good questions, but it's like that.

And also just people who don't have what we have and trying to explain to her like we've we've definitely like cleaned out our playroom. And I've been like, listen, we're going to make a pile of stuff to give to kids who don't have any toys and like trying to explain to her that, yeah, that's the reality. Kids can't just go to Target and pick out something like that doesn't happen everywhere. So that's really special that your girls get to be involved and like as a way for them to do remember Ryan and know that it's for him and for kids like him and. We did take.

I took her shopping this year and let her pick out some toys to donate And then like there was one that like when she got home she just had a meltdown that it wasn't for her. But I was like other than that it was good you know. And she like knew like 'cause we do an Amazon wishlist to make it easy for everyone to deliver to our house. And so she'd be like these are for the kids, the sick kids. But then it came she calls so my mother in And then she'd be like this for the sick Bushi's and I was like no, but.

Bushi. How do you spell that? BUSI. It's like the the Polish like grandma. Yeah, I was like, where did that? Happen. And then she couldn't say Nana, so it became Yaya and she'd be like this for the sake Yayas. And we're like, no, you know, no, but yeah. But all right, Sure. Whatever you want to say. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's. Funny. So it's been really fun to like see them like be able to like go shopping and like get involved. But like the fire department is also phenomenal with like having opportunities and helping to like promote the toy drive or just doing like different give back opportunities.

So like it's it's it's been fun we we've become much more tied into like that community. I hate to say we were selfish before, but like you are until you know. I mean, well, I think it's especially impactful to get involved when it's something that's happened to you and you can understand and have like even more of a passionate fire behind that, I think. Because yeah, people are just like, oh, of course, that's good. But here's these other and there's a lot of good causes too, which I think whatever. But I remember, like, going through it and being like, I'm going to quit my job.

I need to sell my house. I need to buy a new car. I'm going to go back to school and be a social worker. And like, my therapist was like, you don't have to because you're like, these people are giving back, like every single day. You know, they're helping families. They're helping, you know? And I was like, what am I doing? Like, I was like, I'm, I'm recruiting for a corporation, you know, like. And I was like, doesn't. That's not meaningful. My therapist was like, you can find meaning in other things that, like, make you happy. And so she really helped me navigate like, 'cause she was like, you light up every time that you talk about, like, something that you guys are doing for Ryan or for Riley.

And so, like, she kind of talked me off the ledge of just changing my entire life. And then, like, him and I, Yeah. And like figuring out like what it is like and that's like all of us together. Like that's where we get so excited to see the impact to, you know be able to be out there and and help in in any way that we can or just even bring awareness. Like, yeah, for people who like my team, my my team is based really primarily in Baltimore spread out in the country. And like they have never heard of Riley until like now there's a space for me to talk about Ryan and and what this hospital in Indiana does.

Yeah, you know, for families and and how it's sought out nationally. Yeah, it's really cool. Well, I'm definitely going to make sure there's links to like all the things in the show notes, yeah. And we'll definitely be sharing on Instagram, etcetera. Now I'm going to ask you, I've already kind of asked you one of the end of the podcast questions, but I'm going to ask you kind of again. So first one, Are you ready? OK first one is what is your go to song or mantra running? My yeah, my mantra would be I'm running for Ryan Ryan, running for Rhino. Like that's what it what it is.

Anytime where I'm like, this totally stinks. I don't want to finish this. It's like I'm re centering and being like, Nope, this is for Ryan, you know, I'm out here, I'm going to get it done. And that's when I signed up for the races. I wore a rhino tank for the monumental like I'm out there to do it. Like for that connection and for I think I I told my husband this like and I said this earlier, even running is nothing compared to like what. And I think about what is fought within those walls of Riley and like the battles that those kids are facing and those families are facing each and every day.

So it's like I'm out here to like remember everything that's happening you know in this world and and what and what people are going through. And like I don't want to say like dedicating every run to that but it's just like running for that purpose and running for that meaning. So that's really kind of been, I would say the the driving, driving force behind it. Do you have a rhino tattoo? I do you. Do I do, yeah. My husband has the coolest one. He has a half sleeve and it's like, it's phenomenal. Beautifully done. I mean the most gorgeous piece of art. But I do have yeah.

In his is like the outside has. I won't even explain this correctly. Saint Michael the Archangel then the patron St. of firefighters and then like a little cherub Angel in the inside has we went to Yosemite when I was pregnant with Ryan has Yosemite and then like a rhino. And the photographer who took the rhino picture, Matt had reached out to him and he sent him the original copy was like, it's a baby rhino and then there's like a blue Jay. It's beautiful. Mine, just mine is more of a cartoon, right? Rhino like little one. Still really cool, Yeah. Holding on to like a blue balloon that's supposed to, like, signify like the sky and the clouds.

That's really neat, yeah. And then song that's on your playlist that you force everything. Oh my gosh, I know that's so bad. I don't know that I have like really like my go to pump up song. It. It really kind of depends on my mood. Like lately it's been, well, after the halftime show. I was Falana Usher for a while. There's some Morgan Wall and songs I really enjoy that get me really pumped up like the throwback Backstreet Boys and sing classic like Fallout Boy. I don't know. I'm all over the place. Has your older. Well, I guess she's 3, but my 3 year old, almost 3 year old.

Loves Trolls band together. Yeah, we have not gotten into trolls, dude. Oh my God. OK, just got to watch the most recent one, because you almost don't even have to watch the other ones. Really. And the soundtrack is great, OK? Well, so this is embarrassing. I, on that note, was running the other morning. I was doing my long run and I just put on like, oh, you're a mix or whatever on Amazon Music. And I was like, what song am I listening to? And I looked down and for a minute and a half I've been listening to Coco Melon. Are you, like, happy And you know it?

And I took a screenshot and I sent it to my husband and I was like, why did it take me a minute and a half to realize like I was jamming out to the song? Sometimes I'll drop my youngest off at daycare and I'll be in the car and I've been listening to Koko Bellon for like 5 minutes and I'm like, God, I don't even hear. Anything. Oh, my gosh. And it was like, I was like going to it too. And I was like, oh, this is bad. That's bad. But she's very into music. She will for sure be like our musically talented child. So any of the movies.

With trolls, band together. Dude, I'm telling you, there's *NSYNC. Yeah, it's. All Justin to think about it, OK. Yeah, like, no. **NSYNC has a new song they made for the movie. Yeah, I just like, I can't get yelled at by her for starting a new movie. She's all Finding Nemo right now. Yeah, I understand that. We went through Frozen and then we went to Moana. Yes, those were. Great movies. But I'm just like, we watch something. My older daughter went through a Tarzan phase. Good music. Love me some Phil Collins. Yeah. But man, did we watch Tarzan like, every day? Yeah, that was kind of like okay.

This is kind of weird, too. Tarzan's a weird. Yeah, well, like Finding Nemo. Yeah, Finding Nemo. I forgot. Like, it's really sad. Really. The 1st 30 seconds I was like and then you. Try to, Yeah. Then you're like, oh, oh, the mom's gone. Don't know where she went. Yeah. Kind of skate around it. Do they get really specific where we watched land before. Time was when I first like, really. She was old enough to be like, no, but like she died, Mom. And I'm like. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Why do they always die? Yeah. Luckily, there's a Daniel Tiger episode that helps us with that.

Too or blue fish would do that too. Yes. Oh, we're in it. We're all yeah. And then she'll beg the episode where Blue Fish dies and you're like, oh, yeah, this is concerning. You're begging me for this one. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Great. Oh, and then I already asked you about your next finish line or milestone, which will be at Carmel here soon. Yes. Yeah. So that's exciting. I I'm going to be on a microphone. So you're doing the half. I'm going to run the half and then be on the microphone. That'll be interesting because I've not done MC work before. You'll be great. It'll be fine because nobody cares.

Oh my God, they should. Be running. It'll be awesome. So I that's exciting. So that'll be fun. So I'm going to run and then I'm going to be on the mic and so I don't know how quickly that turn around will happen. So if I don't? I'm sure there might be plenty of time of when you finish versus like. Well, not not enough to like, if you're gonna, you know, be around right around that two hour mark. I don't know. I don't know. We'll see what happens. Yeah. But hopefully I'll see you there. Yes. Yeah. Lindsay will need to take a picture of us together.

Yeah, 'cause she's gonna come take some photos there, which I'm really excited about because I have this vision for like, no, I need pictures of my like, bouquets, like at a finish line, like with runners. And it's hard to stage when you're just in your office. She'll make them by herself. Yeah. She took pictures in my basement a couple weeks ago because we just did some updates and worked with a mutual friend who's an interior designer. And I was like, you made my basement look so swanky. Yeah, well, the interior designer did too. But. Yeah, I was like, well then Mariah who was like, I know bare minimalist.

Anyone needs organizing work Like she is a audition and she just gets it done. I know, it's unbelievable. Anytime I go to dinner with Mariah and Lindsay, I'm like, man, I need step on my game. No, you're just like, good. I have you guys as friends. Yeah, let me just do reap the benefits of both of your skills. I have nothing to offer either of you. Yeah, Gosh. Well, thank you so much for doing this and for talking about Ryan. I know everyone listening now, especially if they're running. It's like, well, you think you're hurting. Yeah, not anymore. Not anymore. So. Thank you. This is great.

Yeah, absolutely. I thank you everyone for listening and happy running. Yes, Yay.

Ally Brettnacher